What's in a Name?

Being young and somewhat Feminist, when I first got married--back in 1993 (yes, that long ago)--I wanted to hyphenate my name. So, I had to go to the hassle of going to Social Security and getting the: Ryan-Kirchoff taken care of. I thought it was great to still keep my identity without discouraging my husband by only keeping my maiden name. However, this became an issue when many computer systems would not recognize a hyphen in a name. In college, my name always showed up Ryankirchoff on the roll sheets. Everyone thought it was some odd name from Uzbekistan or something. So, I gave in and only took my married name--again trudging to SS and the DMV.

Once I became separated, I was already a published writer for many years. And I had 3 kids. I thought it would be the right thing to keep the same last name as my children to not add confusion with school forms, etc. And I was only known in the publishing/poetry world by Kirchoff. I did, of course, write under a psuedonym for awhile, but that is besides the point. That was for purposes of anonymity and is attached to a very long story that involves said ex-husband.

Anyway, after this last debachle at the hands of my Kirchoff-toting ex-husband, I have finally severed all ties. Well, decided to sever all ties. I am finally getting the courts to move forward with the divorce since, though he was the petitioner, he never completed. And, I have decided to take back my maiden name. It isn't as easy as it seems though. In order for me to have MY name back, I have to petition the courts to "get it back." This I do not understand. Just because I married someone doesn't mean I am glued to his name without a hassle of getting it removed. It's like a bad growth--a wart or a fistule. More like a pustule. I don't want to be associated with the name any longer. I want to be free from this symbolic ties to a person I once loved, but now don't like much. Sure, my kids won't have the same name, but what's in a name? My mom carried the Ryan name for many years while her kids had another. Will it hurt them? No. Does it benefit me to change it? Not really. However, it feels good to finally have this wet blanket taken off of me. Like my own identity and self is back--yes, even at 36.

Now I will have to go from spelling my last name all the time and hearing butchering of it, to having to distinguish between Ryan and Brian, which people seem to hear. I like my maiden name. I didn't have it much longer than I've had my married name, but it will be good to go back to it. I may even have to tattoo it on me--since it will never change again.