Happiness

It is amazing that I can give the best advice to people about being happy, but I DO NOT take my own advice. Sadly enough, the last time I was truly happy was almost 2 years ago. It took me awhile to think about that time, but it was when I was very much in love with Andrew, he was still stationed in California, and I had my kids with me. I had everything I wanted. Sadly, that all ended at the end of 2007. He moved to West Virginia and ended our relationship because he couldn't do long distance. And my kids moved back with their dad. To explain how that felt at the time was like my family had gone out in a car and died in a crash--never to come back. My world collapsed underneath me.

Why was that a happy time? It was simple. I got up every day at 5:30 to get Andrew up and ready for work. I then got my kids up and ready for school. I worked. Kids would come home and then Andrew would come home. We were like a family. Kids loved him. He loved the kids. We would go to dinner. We would read books and watch movies. No one had a lot of money and we were in a very small house. Yet, it was at the beach (though someone has a phobia of sand) and we were all good. Seeing Drew come home in cammies every night at 6 made my heart skip a beat. He wanted to be with me and the kids every night. We didn't party. And I loved him. I loved that time. And I sank very low when it was over. More than probably anyone knows, including the man himself (no, not God).

Good things always seem to come to an end. Sadly. And, I've been building myself up since then. I am going for a new start now. I'm going back to California with the kids and going for a new healthy life. I've realized that people who want to be around you, will be. People who are mean to you, are mean people. Happiness is not based on others. If you can't be happy alone, you will never be happy.

I can say that I don't need a man in my life. I can say that now and mean it. Who knows what will happen down the line. No, I don't want to be alone forever. But I don't want to deal with hurt and pain and the drama that comes along with being with anyone. I want to see my kids grow up healthy and happy. I want them to have the life I didn't have. See their proms and dates and aspirations. I'd like to share that with someone, but I don't know I trust anyone enough to share that precious thing with them.

I have no idea why I am rambling on . . . talked to Andrew today and it made me consider happiness. He is one person who will always affect me. Really, the only other person I have loved since my ex husband. Truly and wholeheartedly loved. I will always love him. I will probably never really be over him. Can I explain that? No. He fucked me over so much that I have no idea why I bother or why I even care. But little things make me think of him and what we had and what we lost. Will I ever find that again with someone else? Maybe. Am I looking for it? Nope. I just don't care. It is all about me right now. Seriously. I have got to be selfish for my kids. Or maybe that is unselfish. Seeing my babies every day and night makes me smile. It's better than any man can ever make me feel. I have learned that lesson over the years.

Define it, please . . . because it all depends on variables and life.