It is amazing that I can give the best advice to people about being happy, but I DO NOT take my own advice. Sadly enough, the last time I was truly happy was almost 2 years ago. It took me awhile to think about that time, but it was when I was very much in love with Andrew, he was still stationed in California, and I had my kids with me. I had everything I wanted. Sadly, that all ended at the end of 2007. He moved to West Virginia and ended our relationship because he couldn't do long distance. And my kids moved back with their dad. To explain how that felt at the time was like my family had gone out in a car and died in a crash--never to come back. My world collapsed underneath me.
Why was that a happy time? It was simple. I got up every day at 5:30 to get Andrew up and ready for work. I then got my kids up and ready for school. I worked. Kids would come home and then Andrew would come home. We were like a family. Kids loved him. He loved the kids. We would go to dinner. We would read books and watch movies. No one had a lot of money and we were in a very small house. Yet, it was at the beach (though someone has a phobia of sand) and we were all good. Seeing Drew come home in cammies every night at 6 made my heart skip a beat. He wanted to be with me and the kids every night. We didn't party. And I loved him. I loved that time. And I sank very low when it was over. More than probably anyone knows, including the man himself (no, not God).
Good things always seem to come to an end. Sadly. And, I've been building myself up since then. I am going for a new start now. I'm going back to California with the kids and going for a new healthy life. I've realized that people who want to be around you, will be. People who are mean to you, are mean people. Happiness is not based on others. If you can't be happy alone, you will never be happy.
I can say that I don't need a man in my life. I can say that now and mean it. Who knows what will happen down the line. No, I don't want to be alone forever. But I don't want to deal with hurt and pain and the drama that comes along with being with anyone. I want to see my kids grow up healthy and happy. I want them to have the life I didn't have. See their proms and dates and aspirations. I'd like to share that with someone, but I don't know I trust anyone enough to share that precious thing with them.
I have no idea why I am rambling on . . . talked to Andrew today and it made me consider happiness. He is one person who will always affect me. Really, the only other person I have loved since my ex husband. Truly and wholeheartedly loved. I will always love him. I will probably never really be over him. Can I explain that? No. He fucked me over so much that I have no idea why I bother or why I even care. But little things make me think of him and what we had and what we lost. Will I ever find that again with someone else? Maybe. Am I looking for it? Nope. I just don't care. It is all about me right now. Seriously. I have got to be selfish for my kids. Or maybe that is unselfish. Seeing my babies every day and night makes me smile. It's better than any man can ever make me feel. I have learned that lesson over the years.
Define it, please . . . because it all depends on variables and life.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
What's in a Name?
Being young and somewhat Feminist, when I first got married--back in 1993 (yes, that long ago)--I wanted to hyphenate my name. So, I had to go to the hassle of going to Social Security and getting the: Ryan-Kirchoff taken care of. I thought it was great to still keep my identity without discouraging my husband by only keeping my maiden name. However, this became an issue when many computer systems would not recognize a hyphen in a name. In college, my name always showed up Ryankirchoff on the roll sheets. Everyone thought it was some odd name from Uzbekistan or something. So, I gave in and only took my married name--again trudging to SS and the DMV.
Once I became separated, I was already a published writer for many years. And I had 3 kids. I thought it would be the right thing to keep the same last name as my children to not add confusion with school forms, etc. And I was only known in the publishing/poetry world by Kirchoff. I did, of course, write under a psuedonym for awhile, but that is besides the point. That was for purposes of anonymity and is attached to a very long story that involves said ex-husband.
Anyway, after this last debachle at the hands of my Kirchoff-toting ex-husband, I have finally severed all ties. Well, decided to sever all ties. I am finally getting the courts to move forward with the divorce since, though he was the petitioner, he never completed. And, I have decided to take back my maiden name. It isn't as easy as it seems though. In order for me to have MY name back, I have to petition the courts to "get it back." This I do not understand. Just because I married someone doesn't mean I am glued to his name without a hassle of getting it removed. It's like a bad growth--a wart or a fistule. More like a pustule. I don't want to be associated with the name any longer. I want to be free from this symbolic ties to a person I once loved, but now don't like much. Sure, my kids won't have the same name, but what's in a name? My mom carried the Ryan name for many years while her kids had another. Will it hurt them? No. Does it benefit me to change it? Not really. However, it feels good to finally have this wet blanket taken off of me. Like my own identity and self is back--yes, even at 36.
Now I will have to go from spelling my last name all the time and hearing butchering of it, to having to distinguish between Ryan and Brian, which people seem to hear. I like my maiden name. I didn't have it much longer than I've had my married name, but it will be good to go back to it. I may even have to tattoo it on me--since it will never change again.
Once I became separated, I was already a published writer for many years. And I had 3 kids. I thought it would be the right thing to keep the same last name as my children to not add confusion with school forms, etc. And I was only known in the publishing/poetry world by Kirchoff. I did, of course, write under a psuedonym for awhile, but that is besides the point. That was for purposes of anonymity and is attached to a very long story that involves said ex-husband.
Anyway, after this last debachle at the hands of my Kirchoff-toting ex-husband, I have finally severed all ties. Well, decided to sever all ties. I am finally getting the courts to move forward with the divorce since, though he was the petitioner, he never completed. And, I have decided to take back my maiden name. It isn't as easy as it seems though. In order for me to have MY name back, I have to petition the courts to "get it back." This I do not understand. Just because I married someone doesn't mean I am glued to his name without a hassle of getting it removed. It's like a bad growth--a wart or a fistule. More like a pustule. I don't want to be associated with the name any longer. I want to be free from this symbolic ties to a person I once loved, but now don't like much. Sure, my kids won't have the same name, but what's in a name? My mom carried the Ryan name for many years while her kids had another. Will it hurt them? No. Does it benefit me to change it? Not really. However, it feels good to finally have this wet blanket taken off of me. Like my own identity and self is back--yes, even at 36.
Now I will have to go from spelling my last name all the time and hearing butchering of it, to having to distinguish between Ryan and Brian, which people seem to hear. I like my maiden name. I didn't have it much longer than I've had my married name, but it will be good to go back to it. I may even have to tattoo it on me--since it will never change again.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Public Pools and Phobias
I gave in today and took my kids to the public pool in Republic. I do have to admit, it is a pretty awesome little swim park for being at a Community Recreation Center in Southwest Missouri. My problem is, I hate public pools. I mean, we didn't really have public pools in California. People had their own built-in pools. We have the economy in California to not share water--and cloudy water--with 500 hundred other people.
Public pools freak me out. I don't think I had this problem before, but I have a fear of the germs of other people. Someone said to me that I love the ocean and it is more polluted than any pool. However, the ocean is vast and has it's own form of cleansing itself. A pool is small, miniscule in comparison and is vastly over chlorinated (for good reason). If you think about it, in one day, at least at this pool, probably close to 500 people put their bodies in this pool. Some people don't bathe regularly. And we all have skin that comes off when we immerse in water. This water, though we wear bathing suits, touches penises, anuses, and vaginas. You have that cheese and fluid and fecal remnants coming off. Some people are hairy--both on their chests and heads--also their pubes.
Not only this, but people spit and piss in the pool. It is inevitable. They also may have communicable diseases or open wounds that contaminate the pool. Chlorine is not enough. Sure, not many people die from public pool diseases, but I'm sure it does happen. Ugh, the thought makes me sick.
So, not only that: I hate pools because the people there are fat and rude. Missouri has many fat people. People here are generally not attractive. They also have no manners. Kids splash in your face and push you out of the way in the pool. Who the fuck lets their kids act like this to adults? My kids would never do that. I got in the pool for just a bit because my kids begged me, but after getting splashed in the face and mouth 20 times, I gave up. I couldn't move and any time I did, some fat-ass whale was dancing around like twinkletoes doing fucking schynchronized swimming. Do people really wear goggles to be in the pool recreationally?
All I can say is that my kids better appreciate the things I did for them when they are older. I did get some sun, which is good. I can't going back to California looking like I spent a winter in Misery. Though I did and I looked like Casper until about a month ago. Just can't wait to get to the beach and relax for a week when I get there. I want to see old SC friends and do some fun things with the kids. It will be good for them to be back in the land of the living!
Public pools freak me out. I don't think I had this problem before, but I have a fear of the germs of other people. Someone said to me that I love the ocean and it is more polluted than any pool. However, the ocean is vast and has it's own form of cleansing itself. A pool is small, miniscule in comparison and is vastly over chlorinated (for good reason). If you think about it, in one day, at least at this pool, probably close to 500 people put their bodies in this pool. Some people don't bathe regularly. And we all have skin that comes off when we immerse in water. This water, though we wear bathing suits, touches penises, anuses, and vaginas. You have that cheese and fluid and fecal remnants coming off. Some people are hairy--both on their chests and heads--also their pubes.
Not only this, but people spit and piss in the pool. It is inevitable. They also may have communicable diseases or open wounds that contaminate the pool. Chlorine is not enough. Sure, not many people die from public pool diseases, but I'm sure it does happen. Ugh, the thought makes me sick.
So, not only that: I hate pools because the people there are fat and rude. Missouri has many fat people. People here are generally not attractive. They also have no manners. Kids splash in your face and push you out of the way in the pool. Who the fuck lets their kids act like this to adults? My kids would never do that. I got in the pool for just a bit because my kids begged me, but after getting splashed in the face and mouth 20 times, I gave up. I couldn't move and any time I did, some fat-ass whale was dancing around like twinkletoes doing fucking schynchronized swimming. Do people really wear goggles to be in the pool recreationally?
All I can say is that my kids better appreciate the things I did for them when they are older. I did get some sun, which is good. I can't going back to California looking like I spent a winter in Misery. Though I did and I looked like Casper until about a month ago. Just can't wait to get to the beach and relax for a week when I get there. I want to see old SC friends and do some fun things with the kids. It will be good for them to be back in the land of the living!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Stupid for a Reason
I could sit and kick myself for making the decision to move to Missouri. I could say the past 6 months have been a waste, especially after quitting a good job, leaving a boyfriend, leaving my good friends, and relying on the word of someone whose words mean nothing. However, I am moving back and taking my kids with me. I was able to spend the past months, without having to work, with my kids. That is not a waste. And, ultimately, things are going to be so much better. My kids and I need to be back with family in the place where we are all from. It is a new start to a much-needed new, stable life.
Writing about the lies and deceit could be a catharsis, but there is no point crying over spilled milk. Some people are better off alone to live their manipulative ways--and though it is both sad and pathetic, I am glad it isn't me. That is about all I have to say.
I am forging on in many ways. I have realized that I do not want to be attached to anyone in any way: emotional, financial, cohabitational. I have been lied to, used, manipulated in so many ways and by so many people in the past few years. I am just done. I don't want to live with anyone. I NEVER want to get married again. Honestly, I could care less if anyone at all is in my life other than my kids, my mom, and my true friends. My life is now about my children and myself. And that is all that matters.
It's truly sad how enlightenment comes slowly for some people. I feel really sorry for them. Those people know who they are--or they deny who they are, actually. Just glad from now on, I am no longer attached at all and in any way. Drama is so sophomoric and immature. Let those people implode. Life is way too short to stress about the little things. I just want to take an eraser and get rid of it all--that is my plan. And it's a good one.
So, as of the 2nd of July, I will back on home soil. California, here I come. As much as it is fast-paced and crowded and expensive--it will always be my home. California or Bust!!
Writing about the lies and deceit could be a catharsis, but there is no point crying over spilled milk. Some people are better off alone to live their manipulative ways--and though it is both sad and pathetic, I am glad it isn't me. That is about all I have to say.
I am forging on in many ways. I have realized that I do not want to be attached to anyone in any way: emotional, financial, cohabitational. I have been lied to, used, manipulated in so many ways and by so many people in the past few years. I am just done. I don't want to live with anyone. I NEVER want to get married again. Honestly, I could care less if anyone at all is in my life other than my kids, my mom, and my true friends. My life is now about my children and myself. And that is all that matters.
It's truly sad how enlightenment comes slowly for some people. I feel really sorry for them. Those people know who they are--or they deny who they are, actually. Just glad from now on, I am no longer attached at all and in any way. Drama is so sophomoric and immature. Let those people implode. Life is way too short to stress about the little things. I just want to take an eraser and get rid of it all--that is my plan. And it's a good one.
So, as of the 2nd of July, I will back on home soil. California, here I come. As much as it is fast-paced and crowded and expensive--it will always be my home. California or Bust!!
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