Messages in Dreams

Andrew has been dead for almost 3 weeks now.  For some reason I have been expecting to see him.  Not sure what I was expecting, but I was disappointed that I hadn't dreamt about him yet.  Perhaps since he left the way he did, I wanted him to tell me something I didn't know.  Yes, I received that final text and it did tell me that he loved me--finally.  That isn't enough.  I want to be able to feel him and touch and him and talk to him.  This death experience has been foul for me.  The fact he is not on this Earth anymore still befuddles me and I'm not sure I accept it yet.  He must be in limbo.  His was not a natural death and he must be waiting for open ends to be resolved before passing wherever he needs to go.  Or is that only in the movies?  Where someone like Ricky Gervais can see the dead and they want him to resolve things left open in life--they hound him until he does.  Is that only fiction?  Because I sure as hell want to see him!

I finally got my wish.  No, I didn't see him standing ghostlike in my hallway or something.  The other night I went to sleep dead tired, as always, and unable to sleep.  It's like my head is so restless, but the rest of me just wants to sleep for days.  It's been like this since he died unless I have been on medications.  Terrible insonmia like nothing else.  I went into bed holding onto the legs of the Andrew Bear.  Andrew Bear is a TY stuffed bear who is made of that micro plush material that is softer than silk.  His true name is Patriotic and he reminds me somehow of Andrew and the kids and I needed something to soothe our desire to have him tangibly around us.  I am the one who tends to sleep with it.  I lied there desperately hoping for sleep.  I could hear the television from Sebastian in the living room.  I turned to the other side and slipped into a state of sleep and awakeness.  During this time, which didn't quite seem wholely like a dream or wholely reality, I experience Andrew and I sitting at the computer I am on now.  My mom was directly across from the bar in the living room where she could only see our heads popping over.  He was sitting on the barstool and I was somehow kneeling down next to him and typing something up on the computer.  I have no idea what we were looking up, but we were goofing off with each other.  He was trying to put his hand down my pants and I was coyly telling him that my mom could hear us.  He didn't care and neither did I, truly.  So, I started teasing him back by rubbing on his crotch.  This whole incident is something reminiscent of an incident with Bryan actually, which is rather stumping me. 

Then, Andrew leans down to whisper in my ear as I kiss his neck.  He says, "Why would we waste time doing any of this when we have the capability to enjoy each other with talking and listening?  Then I heard those three words that I craved for years:  I love you.  I didn't get him to say he loved me until the last thing he said to me before he put a gun to his head.  How is that fucking fair?  And then I found out from the girlfriend he had the whole time we were apart that he truly loved me and I had his heart.  Now he is dead and these are things I never knew.  So, I literally woke up, semi awake anyway, in tears.  I have never cried while dreaming, but I woke up with the pain of heartbreak.  I ached for him and those words and some innocent moment like that with him again.  When I figured out what was going on, I lied there for ten minutes and cried hysterically.  I could not control it.  I could still hear the television in the living room.  I don't even think I'd been to sleep for a minute--I have no concept of the time.  I don't know what state I was in.  All I know is that I finally had a dream with Andrew.  That was all I wanted.  And, he told me he loved me again and in the flesh, the way he should have so many years before.

All I want more than anything is to have an hour more with him.  One more conversation.  To touch his face.  Hold his hand.  Look into the saddest green eyes I had ever seen.  Lay next to him in the bed we shared.  No minutes goes by in which I don't think of him.  Even in sleep.  I will never get over this until my life, as well, has ended.  I will go to the grave with this man on my mind.  Someday, however, I know we will be reunited.  I don't know how, but I know we are soul mates.  It wasn't this life, so it will be the next or maybe the next.  I just know deep in my soul that Andrew William Marrari was the other half of my being--the twin to my flame.  We will ignite again!

I love you, Andrew William Marrari!