On a Kick . . .

I'm on a music kick right now. Like the old days. But when I am dissatisfied with my personal life, I seem to always turn to music and that whole lifestyle, which is also usually the demise of my relationships. I am terribly unhappy right now with my relationship. When I lack attention from the person I am with, I tend to reach towards music and that scene. I become obsessed with writing about it, going to shows, and researching. We all know, or at least those of you who truly know me, where that leads. As I've been called, I am a lionness. I usually always capture my prey. Not sure how I do that, but I kinda do.


Need I say more? I know how I operate. I really do. I know this insomnia is a sign of depression and a total lack of happiness. This stems from not being able to find a job and being stuck in my mom's house with my kids. However, it is also rooted in my current relationship. I have a guy who in general is great. BUT, he also lacks emotion and real interest. In the beginning, he was very attentive--though not quite as affectionate as I would have liked. We went on dates and tried to spend as much time as possible with each other. Now we rarely even text each other every day. I haven't seen him since Thursday and we haven't talked on the phone. What relationship is based on a couple of texts a day? I had more conversation with my ex-boyfriend when he was deployed in another fucking country. I still have more conversation with him!! I get my emotional fill from my ex who is just my friend. There is something so wrong with this.

I want to start going to shows again. He does not approve of that. And for that, I decided to not see a show that I really wanted to recently. That bothered me. I gave up something important to me, to be let down. But if he isn't giving me what I need, I do need to get some fun elsewhere. I don't know if I want to break up or not, but something needs to change. Otherwise, yes, I will go elsewhere. I deserve more than settling. If he doesn't realize this soon, with his evasion of my concern and wanting to talk about it, I will be gone.